There is a tension in my shoulders, up my neck, down my back. Its been there so long I hardly even notice it anymore. I can't even remember the last time I felt truly relaxed. Completely at ease. I could list alphabetically the reasons why but, honestly? They don't really matter. But the toll that list is taking on me does. 

I've always considered myself a brave person. Other people have even told me I was courageous for one reason of another. I look forward to that tiny adrenaline rush you get when you start something new or unknown and, while I can feel nervous about it, making big decisions was never scary or something I dreaded. 

Except I did. I did dread and fear and procrastinate and overthink and wallow and hide and blame. I do those things every day. But I call it something else and move on with my inflated sense of bravery and adventure. 

And so the unnamed, ignored fear settles into my soul and creeps up my spine, squeezing and tugging and restricting until I have no choice but to take notice. In my mind's eye I can see myself crouching in the dark corner, afraid to look into the mirror of my soul and see what horrid monstrosity lurks there. What life-sucking creature who's dread is felt but who's face remains unseen. A poisonous breath pours over me whispering, "Don't even try. You know you can't do it." So I sit there, in my own mind, for days or sometimes weeks, breathing in the poison, quaking in the corner, clawing at anything to try and bury myself further away from it all. 

But then... 

In mercy and grace that are both undeserved and unlooked for, the light of Love Incarnate appears. Not appears as though it had been absent but rather a flicker catches my eye and I turn to see a light that has been there all along- patient, warm, inviting. I stare into it and as I do the tightness in my chest opens up just a bit. The clawing in my mind recedes and the voice that whispered obscenities in dark is replaced by something new. If you could feel music on your skin or hear love in your ears or see peace in the air- it would be This. 

In the presence of This, I am seen, known, loved, forgiven, cherished. I am gifted courage, generosity, sincerity, strength, passion, humor, humility. Gently, I am led to the mirror and shown myself. I cringe with pain at first but somehow where the light touches I find healing. The ugliness I see in myself is transformed before my eyes into something worthy, useful, beautiful even. And I begin to realize that this is worship. 

This knowing and loving of a creature made in the Image is worship of the Creator. To be fully who and what He intended and to love that person is worship. I am actively worshipping when I courageously open my heart to another person; when I name a rising fear and put it back to rest; when I hear beautiful music and stop to let it penetrate my soul; when I look at the snow through my daughter's eyes and see magic; when I allow myself to feel the pain of disappointment without listening to the condemning voice that says, "You shouldn't even have tried." 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

The light is there, has been there all along. Lean into the light. 

Sometimes the middle is the hardest part. You've pushed off the shore into uncertain waters and you can't quite see the other side that you know is there. The nervousness of something new has faded and the excitedment of arrival to the other side hasn't quite set in yet. You're just out there, in the middle. Between the beginning and the end, the start and the finish.

You start wonder if you made a mistake or read the map wrong. Maybe you should be sailing faster or closer to the shore. Maybe you should have reached the other side by now or turned back. Maybe a unexpected storm is approaching and you think to yourself, "This wasn't supposed to happen." You feel like you're blown off course or worse, just drifting. 

That endless drift of nights and days where you do everything you should, everything that expected of you. You check your map and compass over and over and over because surely you should have arrived by now. At night you search the stars and at daylight vainly search for the shoreline. And you start to wonder, "Is this all there is? Is this the grand adventure?" 

The middle isn't always soft and gooey like that middle brownie with no edges. It isn't always comfy like stretching out in the middle of a big, soft bed. It isn't always exciting like the middle of a good book. Sometimes it's hard, and cold, and lonely, and boring. Sometimes you wish you never started. Sometimes you scream at the sky in frustration over your slow progress, eyes burning from endlessly searching for the end. 

But the middle is where it matters. The middle where your story, your journey, takes shape. The middle is where your character is revealed. Hold on to that hope that you set sail with. Find that excitement of arrival in a new place and keep it before you. Instead of searching for the shoreline, search for joy in the everyday. Embrace the growth of this midpoint. Choose faithfulness in the small hard things. Everything has a beginning and an end; the middle doesn't last forever.

Hold on to hope. 

You are beautiful.

Did you know that?

You are beautiful. Maybe a beautiful mess. Maybe a picture of "how to make bad choices" beautiful. Maybe a lopsided, half baked, gave-it-an A-effort kind of beautiful. But you are beautiful.

I need to be reminded of that sometimes. Reminded that beauty isn't just in perfection, or coordination, or when everything falls exactly into place. Beauty happens when and where you least expect it. Have you ever seen a child covered in mud from his eyes to his toes but with a face-splitting smile on his face? That's beautiful. That helping hand you give to little old ladies who can't reach the top shelf in Wal-Mart: that's beautiful. When you forgive yourself for failing, again. That is beautiful.
Hands lifted up in worship.
Spider webs.
A broken heart that still loves.
Eyes that see past someone's exterior and into their heart.
Music played with 10% skill and 110% heart.
You getting up and facing the world every day.
Roadside flowers that grow for no one in particular.

This is beauty. The imperfections, the mistakes you learn from, the broken roads that lead somewhere amazing, the tireless work toward your dreams. Your courage, commitment, loyalty, love, kindness, generosity, honesty, patience, gratitude show beauty in everything you do.

Use courage and kindness and create beauty wherever you go. Choose to see beauty in broken pieces. Choose to see beauty when you look in the mirror. See His image looking back at you and see that you are indeed, a beautiful creation.

This isn't everything you are.

Right now. Here. In this exact moment.

This isn't all you are. This isn't everything you have to give. This isn't the sum of your value. I don't refer to what you do- your accomplishments, your achievements, your failures and mistakes. Those have consequences and benefits, of course. I am speaking about your intrinsic value as a human being.

Loneliness is epidemic in my generation. Constant connection but very little real intimacy. Private details of lives spread across the internet for anyone to see. Desperate attempts at authenticity that burn the author with exposure. Constantly putting yourself out there only to be criticized and tossed aside by others seeking the same connection as you.

It wears on you. Whittles your self-confidence to a very fragile thread. Your perceived value decreases with every rejection, every broken promise, every broken connection. And you begin to see yourself differently. Like maybe this is all you are. The second choice. The backup. The almost but not quite. The runner-up.

This isn't everything you are.

Those times you tried and didn't make it but tried again? You are brave.
Those people you loved even when they didn't love you back? You are strong.
Those mistakes you made? You are wiser now.

Your value is so much more that what can be seen. The world that lives inside your head, every quirk that makes you you, your perspective of the world that is utterly unique, the eternity bound up in your mortal frame... this is where your true value lies. Kindness from a broken heart, peace from a turbulent soul, gentleness from a mighty hand; these are rare and wonderful and priceless.

The loneliness that you feel etched on your soul doesn't determine your value. You longing for connection is real and sacred and not a sign of weakness. You are more, so much more. Let the pain of that loneliness remind you...

This is not everything you are.

Begin again

The hardest part is the beginning. The figuring out how to get started. The perfect blueprint with no idea how the finished product will look.
The beginning is exciting. And terrifying. And hard. And fun.

{The beginning: when anything is possible and nothing is certain.}

Beginnings can be small or monumental. They can be of choice or necessity. Sometimes you begin again because you have no other option.

No matter the reason, no matter the circumstance, a beginning is another chance. Maybe not a second chance at the same thing but another chance for you to make the right choice. To do the right thing this time. To accept the grace that is given to you to forgive and move on. To hold yourself to a new standard and reach your benchmark. To finally succeed when you had failed before. To learn from lessons taught at the end and apply them to your beginning.

Begin again with courage, dear hearts. Let the mistakes of the end stay at the end and don't let them mar your beginning. Spread wide your arms and welcome this season. There's a refreshing wind that comes when you begin again. Let it in to sweep away fear and doubt, to fill you with new hope.

Have courage and just begin.     

I need answers.

I need answers.

 

I think we all have that area in our lives that needs to be clarified, straightened out, explained. I remember one time last semester when I had a (gold star) blonde moment at the office but it tuned into one of those conversations with God that revealed my own heart to me.

I had to call my supervisor who was out of the office that day, so I called her from my cell phone. At the exact same moment I heard her phone ring on the other end of the call, the office phone rang. So I hung up on my supervisor and answered the office phone. "Teacher Education, this is Tori." But no one was there. Good, because I really need to talk to Ms. Jen. I picked up my cell phone and called her again. And again the office phone rang right away. I looked at the caller ID to see if it was someone I could call back and was exceedingly confused to see my number there. I sat there for probably 10 seconds, one phone ringing in my ear and the other ringing on the desk, trying to understand what was going on. And everyone less blonde than myself has already figured it out... I was calling my own self.

 

 

{How many times in life do we "call ourselves" instead of calling God?}

 

I was trying to talk to my supervisor who could help me sort out a problem I had but the only one I could get a hold of was me. And I couldn't help me.

The same thing happens to us in our lives when we look somewhere else besides God for help, answers, direction, or comfort. We can't look inside ourselves or to other people and find what we need. It's just not there. All we find are empty words and more questions. Why? Because it's a closed circuit. You can't answer your own questions; you can't comfort your own heart.

But when you call out? You find everything you need.  

 

It makes so much sense but I'm usually the first one I ask even though I know I don't know the answer. God knows that weakness of humanity and maybe that's why He says so many times, "Call on ME and I will answer."

 

When I talk to me, I become more confused, more frightened, more worried, more prideful and less compassionate, less focused, less likely to act on faith. When I talk to God I become "like a spring of water whose waters do not fail," full of joy in His salvation, upheld by the generosity of His Spirit, as bold as a lion. He becomes my defense, my glory, my shield, my reward, my guide, the director of my steps and the banner of truth that defines me.

 

There are wise people in your life that you should seek counsel from, of course. There is great value in hearing another perspective but never let someone else's words replace God's words. They are painful sometimes, maybe hard to hear. But they are always truth. The wisest of us has given bad advice or spoken wrongly but God never has. He never does. And He will never will. He is not a human given to emotion and change. He is eternally steadfast and unmovable in who He is.

 

 

 

"Call upon Me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me."

Psalm 50:15

 

The day it all began

Christmas.

That word sparks a thousand images in our minds, some of them good, some of them... less than pleasant. As a child, I (tried) to patiently wait the agonizingly long month between Thanksgiving and Christmas and by the Christmas Eve service at church, all I wanted to do was go to sleep so I could wake up and it would be Christmas.

And then I grew up.

And that terrible thing that happens to children when they turn into adults (that all children swear won't happen to them) happened to me. I saw suffering on one side of the globe and disgusting excess on the other. I heard people who love each other tear each other down with their words because of the stress of "the holidays." There was no "peace on earth" and very little "goodwill toward men" going around. People were still acting like people, just dressed up in fancy holiday clothes.

And it made me cynical.

I know, I know. I'm 23 years old and I just called myself cynical. But its true. "What's the point?" I asked myself. "Why do we do this every year!"

The point is this: Jesus.

The woman in the sparkly, red Christmas dress needs Jesus. The exhausted Wal-Mart employee who has dealt with the sparkly, red Christmas dress need Jesus. The 5-year old son of the Wal-Mart employee needs Jesus. The 5-year old son's teacher needs Jesus. The teacher's husband needs Jesus.
You need Jesus.
I need Jesus.

When you look around you and see the fighting and cold shoulders and stress induced outbursts that everyone makes jokes of for the rest of the year, you're looking at the reason we have Christmas at all.

Because that's human nature. That's why we need Jesus. To save us from ourselves, and for that He gave Himself. He took on our flesh so we could take on His nature.

Sometimes people call Christmas Jesus' birthday, and, I suppose, that's true. But it's so much more than that. The Christmas Jesus is a sweet, tiny baby. The bloody Jesus on the cross is for Easter. It would be more comfortable to keep Him there- to not get the manger dirty with blood. But that's impossible, for they are one and the same Jesus. Because of Christmas, Easter happened. Because of Christmas Pentecost happened. And because of Christmas Revelation 21 and 22 will happen. Christmas day it all began.

It's that day that the great divide between men and God was breached. The day the Champion entered the ring. The day heaven and earth kissed.  The day hope was renewed in tired, watchful souls. The day light came into darkness. The day of the Bridegroom. The day that promises made in the Garden of Eden were kept.

Jesus said, "Abraham rejoiced to see My day, and he saw it and was glad." Let's follow Abraham's example and rejoice this Christmastime. Be happy and enjoy the festivities and uniquely Christmas activities, yes. But most of all, rejoice that salvation came to you. Revel in who Jesus is, both baby and man, and what He did in the manger and on the cross.  

By reason of use...

I can't even say how many times I've read Hebrews. At least a hundred times. Maybe more. And always there's something new to read. Old familiar words that suddenly stick out at you like a shred of blue sky in a thunderstorm.

In speaking about spiritual maturity, the author of Hebrews says this:

"For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again... For everyone who partakes of milk only is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil."

I think many Christians are familiar with the milk/solid food analogy that Paul also uses. Baby Christians need the basics, the milk, of the Word. And as you mature in the Spirit, you are able to handle the deeper, more difficult things in the Word.

Makes sense. But it's the second part of that verse that stopped me.

"...who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil."

That phrase "by reason of use" is so fundamental to understanding maturity. As I was thinking about this, God dropped an illustration into my head. Last semester I learned, in theory, how to place the leads for an EKG and read the results on the paper full of squiggly lines. I learned how to spot abnormalities in the chart and some of the possible causes for said abnormalities. What I did not learn is how to administer the test. I know the theory behind the test but I have no experience in giving the test. "By reason of use" a certified technician is qualified to administer an EKG test and accurately read the results. Were I to practice and receive training I too, could responsibly administer the EKG.

The same is true in our spiritual lives. We can read the Word; we can quote the Word; we can sing the Word; we can paint it on our houses and fences and post it online. But until we engage in life with Word, we will always be babies in need of milk.

There comes a time when the classroom is no longer a sufficient training ground. You have to stop reading it only and go and do. You can read "Forgive your brother seventy times seven times" your entire life and still carry a grudge against someone. Reading the word "forgive" is not the same as the act of forgiving.  The act shows your faith.

The act of holding your tongue when you want to give someone a piece of your mind- that is you, engaging in battle with the enemy. That is you, boots on the ground, in the trenches, giving feet to your faith. Not in your own strength, of course. But "He who promised is faithful."

Sometimes I would prefer to stay in the classroom. I could spend all day in Hebrew and Greek dictionaries, dissecting the word forgive. I could write copious essays on the importance of forgiveness and all the wrongs that could be righted if people would just forgive each other. At the end of the day I pack my books and stride out the door, confident that I've made great progress in my maturity. After all, I understand all about forgiveness now. And in the hallway I meet someone who has hurt me. Badly. Deeply. I walk past quickly. No smile. No greeting. Nothing.

And I realize that I am still just a baby, needing milk.

We all have areas of strength and others of weakness. None of us got to be strong without work and perseverance. Without the "reason of use."

I want to be a mature Christian. The name of this blog and the verse the concept comes from is 2 Timothy 2:15, "Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." This is the picture of a mature Believer. One who has seen battle and triumphed. One who has proved his love and faith by holding fast to the truth. This is the one whom God approves. The one who takes Him at His word and is a hearer of the Word, yes. But is also a doer.

Maturity comes with a cost. You learn by experience and sometimes experience beats you up. But I'd rather be bruised and wise than beautiful and foolish.

Sanctuary dark and quiet. Eyes closed. Hands opened before me. The song starts and I sing along. 

{You provide the fire and I'll provide the sacrifice.}

The words stick in my throat as the enormity of what I'm praying hits me. 

You, the Eternal Father, the Holy Amen, the Pillar of Smoke and Fire, come and consume. What I lay before you is something that is part of me. It is so close to me I feel the heat of Your fire on my soul. What I lay before You I long to snatch up and preserve from Your fire because I love it. I love it when I should love You. I desire it like I should desire You. So here it is, on Your altar awaiting Your fire. Come and consume. Burn it until there is nothing but ashes left. Nothing of value or worth. Blow the ashes into the wind with the breath of Your Spirit. I long to desire You more than any other thing my eyes can see, my hands can touch, my ears can hear, or my tongue can taste. I will bear the heat of the blaze, the exquisite pain of being burned by You because I know that You will at last bring me forth as gold refined. 

Holy Fire, come and consume. 

Tonight at sundown, the Jewish Feast of Purim begins. The story behind the Feast is well know though not many people will recognize the name Purim. It is the Hebrew word for "lots" as in, casting lots. The story of Purim is the story of a young peasant girl of great beauty who was taken from her home and placed in the palace where she eventually became queen of a great kingdom. It is the story of a heroine who, with grace and courage, saves millions of lives. It is the story of Esther.

Many Christians are at least partially familiar with Esther's story: the young woman who, because of her beauty, found favor with a cruel king and was made his queen. Unknown to the king, the people of his new queen were to be annihilated by the king's wicked right-hand man; but with stunning courage, the queen confronts both the king and his head honcho and saves the lives of millions of people. 

The Feast of Purim is about rejoicing in the providential  protection and deliverance of the nation of Israel, and by extension, all the children of the promise. Because it's not a major feast like Passover or Yom Kippur, Purim is often over looked in the Messianic explanations of the Jewish feasts. But there are beautiful parallels in the story of Purim and Yeshua.

The first one that comes to mind is a section of my most favorite verses of the entire Bible. Revelation 19:11- 16.

 Now I saw the heaven opened, and behold a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. And the armies of heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. Now out of his mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of the Almighty God. And He has on His robe and His thigh a name written: King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

This is the picture of the ultimate Hero, Jesus. Just as the Jews have always had enemies that try to annihilate them, so we as Christians have an enemy that constantly seeks to destroy us. In the Purim story, the enemy is Haman, the king's head honcho. In your life and in mine, it's the Father of Lies. And like Esther in the Purim story, this warrior Jesus stood ready in our defense and committed the ultimate act of deliverance for the sake of His people at the cost of His own life. 

Someday, when the whole of creation is gathered to the marriage supper of the Lamb, we will celebrate Ha'Gadol Purim, the Great Purim. We will celebrate the deliverance of the Bride by her Hero and Bridegroom, Jesus the Warrior Lamb. 

A Knight in a Stetson

Sometimes I get this (completely wrong but very real) feeling that it's just me. That nothing will get done in my life unless I do it. That if I don't take care of me, nobody will. 

I know Jesus is always there, just like the Bible says. I know He loves me enough to die for me. I know that there is nowhere I can go that He can't see me. 

I know all that. In my head. But sometimes my heart feels alone. Like there's no one out there who really cares for my heart. 

But that's a lie straight from the enemy. And to prove that to me, Jesus sent me a Knight in Shining Armor. Let me tell you the story. 

It was Friday night and I was flying home for the weekend. I was excited about going home but it was late and I was exhausted from a long week and a major exam I had taken that morning. I had almost missed my departing flight and was still feeling like I was running behind. 

When I got to the layover airport, I ran around the entire thing at least twice because the gate kept changing. I'm a pretty seasoned flyer but I was rather frazzled by the time I reached the appropriate gate. I was icky and hot and hungry. So I went and found a Smoothie King and picked up a bottle of Naked. Everyone else must have had the same idea as I did because I swear half the airport was in line ahead of me. "That's fine," I thought. "I'll just stand here until I'm 90, breaking my shoulder with this backpack." 

Finally it was my turn to checkout. I put my little bottle on the counter and hand the girl my card. She runs it. And then runs it again. And then again. That sinking feeling hit my stomach. I had been having issues with my card- it would randomly work and then randomly not work, Apparently, this was a randomly not working day. 

"Do you have another card?" she asks. I shake my head. 

"Could you try it one more time, please?" I ask. Please, please work. She ran it again and shook her head. Be polite, it's not her fault. You didn't really need a drink anyways. I thanked her, apologized and put away my (worthless) card. The woman behind me in line sweetly offered to pay for my drink but I said no. "Thank you, ma'am but it's fine." And I walked away. 

I found an empty place on the hallway floor and sat where I could see my gate. I tried to calm down and not think about how thirsty I was. And tried to ignore the panic I felt rising up inside me. I was pretty much stuck in this place with no access to money. 

I had my head leaned back against the wall, staring at the carpet, when a pair of very polished cowboy boots stopped in front of me. "Excuse me, young lady." 

My head snapped up. "Yes, sir?" A huge white Stetson and a very well tailored suit screamed "rich Dallas businessman." What in the world? 

"Were you trying to buy something earlier?" WHAT?? Getting a little creeped out here. 

"Uhhh... yes sir?"  He reached into his briefcase and pulled out my abandoned blueberry Naked and a Cliff bar and handed them to me. What should I say? Should I take them? Never take things from strangers!  I opened my mouth to refuse and "Oh my gosh. Thank you, sir!" came out. 

"You're very welcome, ma'am." He picked up his briefcase and walked down the hall. And disappeared. 

I sat there holding the juice bottle, wondering if it was ok to drink it. After all it was from a stranger. 

Then that voice I have come to know as Jesus' said, "Hey, I love you." Thanks, Jesus. I know you do. 

"No. Tori, I love you." 

And then I understood. He loves me. He saw me, a tired, sweaty, hungry mess on the airport floor. And He loved me. So He sent me a Knight in a white Stetson to show me how much He loved me. In a real, tangible way. I love when He makes a verse pop out that tells me how much He loves me. But its so spectacular when He shows it. 

And I promptly burst into tears. Right there in the middle of the airport.  

Y'all, Jesus loves. 

That's so simple and something we might say on a daily basis. But stop for a minute and really  think about what that means. 

I have no idea if that man have any idea that He was being the hands and feet of Jesus to me. But he was. 

Let's be Knights, people. Let's follow the promptings of the King of Love and be Knights to those around us. Because I want to be a part of making others feel the love of Jesus the way I did that night in the airport.  

Go and Do Likewise

"When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?"

That question from Luke 18 pierced my soul to the core. What a question to ask the Church! "Is there faith on the earth?" Of course there is! There is the Church, right?

But does it follow that because the Church exists there is faith in it?

The heartbreaking answer is no.

In Luke 17, the disciples say to Jesus, "Increase our faith." So Jesus tells them a parable of a servant and a master.

"Suppose one of you has a servant who comes in from plowing the field or tending the sheep. Would you take his coat, set the table, and say, 'Sit down and eat'? Wouldn't you be more likely to say, 'Prepare dinner; change your clothes and wait table for me until I've finished my coffee; then go to the kitchen and have your supper'? Does the servant get special thanks for doing what's expected of him? It's the same with you. When you've done everything expected of you, be matter-of-fact and say, 'The work is done. What we were told to do, we did.'"

I thought for a long time about that parable and how it possibly applied to the increase of faith. How could I take this teaching of Jesus and apply it with effectiveness to my life? I think the key of this parable is the expectation of the master.

The Master expects that the servant will be busy doing the work the Master instructed him to do, whether it is plowing the field, tending sheep, or waiting on the Master during dinner. The Master expects the servant to fulfill his wishes without being told over and over again.

So what does that mean for me? Go back to the Gospels and read what Jesus expects us to do.        "Forgive your brother seven times seventy."

"Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."

"Ask in faith and it shall be done for you."

"Bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you."

"Believe in God, believe also in Me."

"Come to Me to find your rest."

"Be salt. Be light. And don't hide it."

On and on the list could run. There are so many verses that are treated like a "Get Well Soon" card. "Read these when you're having a hard day. Read these when you're tired. Read these when you're angry..." yadi yada.... But read them closely. 

{They are instructions.}

What does ask God of you? What does Jesus expect of you? To forgive. To love Him above all else. To petition Him in faith. To bless those who hurt you... you can finish the list.

And that is what Jesus told His disciples to do to increase their faith.

 Do what He has already instructed. 

There is some interesting wording in the last sentence of that parable. It says (in the NLT), "We are unworthy servants who have simply done our duty."  The word "unworthy" is also translated "unprofitable." The Greek word used is achreios and it's a play on words, a little Greek hyperbole. It gives the sense of self-deprecating piety, as if the servant is only worthy to call himself "worthy" if he goes beyond what is expected of him in his duty. 

In that sense, we all unworthy servants because we constantly fall short of our duty, fall short of what He has explicitly instructed us to do. We fall short every time we judge fellow Believer. Every time we parade our good deeds so that others might see them. Every time we come to His presence carrying a grudge against someone. 

"When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?" 

Fellow servants, we have a duty to perform. We have instructions from the Master. Stop chasing elusive definitions of faith and lofty systematic steps to increasing your faith. 

Go and do. 

That ultimate expression of faith- to ACT on the words of One in whom you have faith. 

Holding On

"And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who though faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made a promise to Abraham, because He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself."

Hebrews 6:11-13

Sluggish is just not an attractive word. It brings to mind many not-so-beautiful mental pictures; anything from pale, slimy slugs to stopped up plumbing pipes and many nasty things in between. And it doesn't even look nice when you write it. It's just not a nice word. And one I would definitely not like to have used to describe my spiritual life. 

What would make a person sluggish? There are as many answers for that as there are people in this big, old world. We all have weak spots, vulnerabilities. We all have an affinity for certain temptations. We all have character deficiencies that we never bother to address because it will be painful. Any or all of those could cause us to be sluggish. They steal our energy for life. They make us doubtful. They make us sad and tired. 

{But perhaps the worst thing is that they steal our hope. }

Hope is one of the most potent forces in the human experience.  A lack of hope kills our creativity, kills our joy, kills our curiosity, kills our desire to live. Without hope, we wither and die. We die emotionally, spiritually  and sometimes physically. Hope is entwined with our very life force. 

Yet hope seems elusive, that thing that is always just beyond reach. One look at the world around us will show that. The gray masses drift from here to there, little caring one way or the other because they have no hope. No future. No reason to care. Nothing left to hope for.

Except for one thing: Jesus. And that's all the reason I need. 

"Because of Jesus, we have hope." How many times have we who have grown up in the Church heard that? Thousands of times? Millions?? Maybe. But pretend that you have never heard that statement before. 

"Because of Jesus, we have hope." 

Because of the God who became a baby... 

Because of that baby who became a carpenter...

Because of that carpenter who willingly became a sacrifice and  spilled out His lifeblood...

Because of that sacrifice who became a warrior and single-handedly charged the gates of Hell... 

Because of that warrior who became the champion of Life as proof of His triumph over Death...

Because of that champion who returned to Heaven as an eternally scarred prince...

Because of that prince who is using His carpenter hands to build a glorious dwelling place for His bride...

He is why we have hope. Not just for right now. Not just for Sunday mornings. For the rest of your life. For the rest of eternity. 

So be diligent in your seeking of the Source of hope. Pursue Him with all your might. Imitate in faith and perseverance those who have obtained the promises already, because they sought out hope. 

And when the motivation runs out, remember Who promised hope. Remember that He swore by Himself. So take heart. 

Grasp that promise and hold on for dear life.  

We met around a kitchen table, myself and 2 other ladies. We talked about being relentless in our pursuit of God. We talked about the battlefield of our minds and hearts, about victories we've had and also of defeats.  

We talked about grace. 

We talked about the Blood. 

We talked about what it means to never give up.

We talked about those heavy, theological topics around a white kitchen table, with dishes drying in the rack on the counter and a broom  standing in the corner. Because that's real. That's where life happens: In the kitchen of a home belonging to ordinary people who live and love The Name. 

Wrestling with theology isn't only for philosophers in their secluded towers or preachers in their pulpits. It is for everyone. For the foot soldiers in the trenches of everyday, not-so-extraordinary lives. For you. For me. Because God gave us minds. Beautiful, strong, complex minds. Minds with which we think and reason and wrestle with the biggest, most difficult questions in the universe. 

Today I was part of that discussion. What a sobering, exciting privilege it was to share real life with my fellow soldiers around that kitchen table! 

A new year is time for new beginnings. And a good reason to look to the Beginning of all things, to Him Who holds all beginnings and endings in the palm of His hand. To remember who we are, where we come from and where we are going. 

1 John 1:1-18

In the beginning [before all time] was the Word (Christ), and the Word was with God, and the Word was God Himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and came into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that has come into being. In Him was Life, and the Life was the Light of men. And the Light shines on in the darkness, for the darkness has never overpowered it [put it out or absorbed it or appropriated it, and is unreceptive to it]. 

There came a man sent from God, whose name was John. This man came to witness, that he might testify of the Light, that all men might believe in it [adhere to it, trust it, and rely upon it] through him. He was not the Light himself, but came that he might bear witness regarding the Light. There it was--the true Light [was then] coming into the world [the genuine, perfect, steadfast Light] that illumines every person. 

He came into the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him [did not know Him]. He came to that which belonged to Him [to His own--His domain, creation, things, world], and they who were His own did not receive Him and did not welcome Him. 

But to as many as did receive and welcome Him, He gave the authority (power, privilege, right) to become the children of God, that is, to those who believe in (adhere to, trust in, and rely on) His name-- Who owe their birth neither to bloods nor to the will of the flesh [that of physical impulse] nor to the will of man [that of a natural father], but to God. [They are born of God!]  

And the Word (Christ) became flesh (human, incarnate) and tabernacled (fixed His tent of flesh, lived awhile) among us; and we [actually] saw His glory (His honor, His majesty), such glory as an only begotten son receives from his father, full of grace (favor, loving-kindness) and truth. 

John testified about Him and cried out, This was He of Whom I said, He Who comes after me has priority over me, for He was before me. [He takes rank above me, for He existed before I did. He has advanced before me, because He is my Chief.] For out of His fullness (abundance) we have all received [all had a share and we were all supplied with] one grace after another and spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing and even favor upon favor and gift [heaped] upon gift. 

For while the Law was given through Moses, grace (unearned, undeserved favor and spiritual blessing) and truth came through Jesus Christ. No man has ever seen God at any time; the only unique Son, or the only begotten God, Who is in the bosom [in the intimate presence] of the Father, He has declared Him [He has revealed Him and brought Him out where He can be seen; He has interpreted Him and He has made Him known]. 

Then the seventy returned with joy, saying, "Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your Name'" 

And He said to them, "I saw Satan fall like lightening from heaven. Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy and nothing shall by any means hurt you.  

Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that spirits are subject to you, but rather because your names are written in heaven."

Luke 10:17-20

In that day the LORD of host will be for a crown of glory and a diadem of beauty to the remnant of His people, for a spirit of justice to him who sits in judgement, and for strength to those who turn back the battle at the gate. 

{Isaiah 28:5,6}

As I read those words, I immediately thought to myself, "That could be my generation." 

My generation could turn back the battle at gates. 

There is something amiss if the battle is being fought at the very gates of the city. In ancient warfare, the battles were fought on grounds outside the city. Only in times of siege and just before the complete conquest of a city is the battle fought at the gate. The army must be crushed before the battle can be brought to the gate. 

Church, we have been under siege for a long time. Slowly, but surely, the enemy of our souls has besieged our faith and commitment to the pure truth of the gospel. Complacency is his ally and false security and idleness his friends. The lack of physical oppression has caused us to slack in our fight for the faith. "Contend earnestly," Jude says, "for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints." 

The prophet Joel cries out, "Prepare for war! Wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near, Let them come up. Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruning hooks into spears; let the weak say, 'I am strong."'... Cause Your mighty ones to go down there, O LORD."

The enemy is at hand, Church. He will not leave because we ask him nicely. He will not leave just because we call ourselves Christians. He will fight for dominance over our lives, over our families, over our nations, over our very souls.

We have allowed the battle to come to our gates, to the very threshold of our homes and churches. We have allowed ourselves to be put on the defense. Defense is NOT the default setting of the Redeemed of the Lord! Jesus did not pour out His life in bloody sacrifice so we could defend ourselves. No. He snatched us from the jaws of hell and made us sons and daughters of the Most High King. He has given us weapons that are mighty for the pulling down of enemy strongholds, that are filled with the power of the Spirit to vanquish our foes. "Let the high praises of God be in their mouths and a two-edged sword in their hand," says the Psalms.

Our default position as warriors of El Elyon should be offensive. We do not flee before the enemy; we do not give ground to him or his minions. We take ground. We hold fast. We wield the sword and speak the Name that is above every name, Jesus.

Now is the time, Church. Now is the time to turn the tide of battle. It has come to our gate and now is the time to wake up, pull out our weapons and fight. Fight for the hearts of the next generation. Fight for purity and unity in the Body. Fight for the souls still enslaved by the enemy.

Though we may lose a battle, we already know the outcome of the war. It was won long ago when our beautiful, sinless Yeshua went through hell for us. When He walked out of the tomb, He took captivity captive and broke the power of death.

{The war was won.}


So battle on, Church, in strength and courage.

Because you never know...

I love the book of Isaiah. 

Really love it. 

It's full of imagery that is devastatingly beautiful, but also harsh and violent. God's endless passion for His people is poured forth as time and time again He calls them to remember His promises fulfilled and give them hope for the future. 

And it's full of little poetic lines such as this one: 

"Blessed are you who sow beside all waters..." 

It's simple language, but quite a profound thought. Taken in light of the New Testament's use of the sowing analogy given in Jesus' Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13), this simple thought has huge implications. 

When Jesus taught about sowing, He was talking about not just the Gospel message, but Kingdom truth in general.  The words you speak, the actions you take, the life you live- these are seeds sown into the people who surround you.
People hear more than you think they do.
People see more than you think they do.
People notice more than you think they do.

{Sow beside all waters.}

You can never be too careful about what you say for your words may be the difference between life and death to those who hear them.
You can never be too careful in how you act for your actions may effect someone else for the the rest of their life.
You can never be too careful of how you live for your life may be the only Kingdom representation  that a person ever sees.

{Sow beside all waters.} 

It doesn't matter if it looks like they're not listening... speak the truth.
It doesn't matter if it looks like they're not watching... act with mercy and truth.
It doesn't matter if it looks like no one will care what you do... live in purity and truth.

Sow in faith, knowing that God will never allow His word to return empty. Sow in tears, for where there is true live for people, there will also be hurt. Sow in joy, for the promise remains that he who sows in tears will come rejoicing at the harvest, bringing in sheaves with him.

{Sow beside all waters.}

Saturday night was the first home game for my school's team. The stadium was packed, everyone in the  kind of hyper-jolly mood that only happens in South, on saturday night, at the first home game of the season. It also happened to be the largest crowd of Wildcat Field history. The entire college population, decked out in royal blue and orange, hollered for their teammates/classmates, parents hollered for the boy who just got the ball ("Did you see him!? Did you see the way he just took back those yards?! That's MY boy!" in the way only a Southern momma could say it.), and little kids with waaay too much caffeine hollered just because they could. Crazy, hyped, happy mayhem.

Ryan Montague, the dude you want to have the ball :) 

Just before the game started, the lady sitting in the bleachers in front of me stood up and started wildly waving her arms and calling out for "Susan." I assume "Susan" was somewhere below us, somewhere in the noise, the color, the crowd. I felt bad for the woman. There was no way, unless she was standing still and looking, that "Susan" was going to see her friend frantically waving her arms. And I suddenly thought:

"What is that's how God feels like?"   

Does He feel like He's standing in the stadium of our life, barely visible to us because of our crowd, or the noise or the color, or the general hype of life here on earth?

We're constantly surrounded by the world, and I don't mean that in an entirely negative way. The people that God puts in our lives can sometimes become a distraction. The job that He's given us, the school He's led us to, the ministries He's called us to... these can all be distractions. They add color, texture, flavor, and other wonderful things to our lives. They can easily become what holds us back, what weighs us down if we forget why they're there.

Those things were given to us to be enjoyed, but not to be controlled by.

Maybe "Susan" didn't see her friend because she wasn't looking for her. Look for God, people. He says He will be found by those who are truly seeking Him. Sometimes when we get into a tight spot, we whimper and cry about "where was God when...?" But the fact is, He was there the whole time.
We just couldn't see Him for all the colors, the lights, and crowds with which we surround ourselves.

"Seek and you will find." 
Matthew 7:7

God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun.

  He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" 

I said, "Master God, only you know that."

  He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones: 'Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!'"

  God, the Master, told the dry bones, "Watch this: I'm bringing the breath of life to you and you'll come to life. I'll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You'll come alive and you'll realize that I am God!"

  I prophesied just as I'd been commanded. As I prophesied, there was a sound and, oh, rustling! The bones moved and came together, bone to bone. I kept watching. Sinews formed, then muscles on the bones, then skin stretched over them. But they had no breath in them.

  He said to me, "Prophesy to the breath. Prophesy, son of man. Tell the breath, 'God, the Master, says, Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on these slain bodies. Breathe life!'"

  So I prophesied, just as he commanded me. The breath entered them and they came alive! They stood up on their feet, a huge army.

  Then God said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Listen to what they're saying: 'Our bones are dried up, our hope is gone, there's nothing left of us.'

  "Therefore, prophesy. Tell them, 'God, the Master, says: I'll dig up your graves and bring you out alive—O my people! Then I'll take you straight to the land of Israel. When I dig up graves and bring you out as my people, you'll realize that I am God. I'll breathe my life into you and you'll live.Then I'll lead you straight back to your land and you'll realize that I am God. I've said it and I'll do it. God's Decree.'"

Ezekiel 37: 1-14